15 Things You Do That Make Your Barista Angry.

My writing has been a bit heavy lately and I apologize.
For the sake of changing pace a bit, I have compiled a list of 15 things you do that REALLY piss off your local coffee girl (or guy!)

1.  Do not order a regular coffee in New England and then flip your lid (like that pun?) when it comes to you with cream and sugar.  In New England a “regular” coffee is one with cream and sugar. This is also akin to a black coffee being black. Empty. With nothing in it.  So do not go postal when I do not put sugar in your cup.

2. Do not make a comment about how I must have slept in the parking lot to be at work this early.  It’s not fucking witty, you’re not the first brain surgeon to make that comment and frankly it reminds me of how often I have to be at work.

3. Do no complain to me about how early it is because chances are I woke up WAY earlier than you.

4. Do not tell me that our prices are too high.  I serve your coffee. I have no control over the economy or how my boss chooses to respond to it, and neither do you for that matter, so either pay for your order or leave.

5. Do not try to talk to me while I’m taking an order on the headset while I’m simultaneously trying to make six coffees. I can only do so many things at once. Your interrupting me is rude and throws me off my work groove.

6. Do not change your order fifteen times and then get mad when I mess up one of your twelve coffees.

7. Do not make me drag every detail of your coffee order from the depths of your soul and out your mouth.
“I’ll have a coffee” “Well thanks for clearing that up. I thought for a moment you came here for a fucking martini.”
It’s coffee, not rocket science people!
A related irritation are people who ask for a verbal list of every item in the store. If you have no idea what you want, come in and look around! I swear we do not bite.

8. Do Not order a small coffee and when I bring you a small hot coffee squeal and say, “Iced! I wanted iced coffee!”
My response will be, “Well, EXCUSE ME, I’m sorry my crystal ball must have been fogged up. Let me channel my psychic powers a bit better in order to read your fucking mind more clearly. My. Bad.”

9. Do not be an ass about your change.  If I go to give you your change back, please don’t just yank your hand away like I’m about to drop hot water into it. The money goes everywhere and then I look like an idiot.
Also, do not say, “Oh god! I don’t want that!” when I offer you ten cents back. It makes me feel like a piece of shit that you are throwing your unwanted money at me instead of actually tipping me for doing a good job.

10. Please tip me when I put together a bakery platter for you. I just took the time to make your drinks and then cut up a bunch of pastries and arrange them nicely on a platter for the party YOU forgot about. You should probably tip me because I just did a catering project for minimum wage.

11. Do not order into my face before saying hello.  I just smiled at you, greeted you, and asked how you were doing, and you cannot even muster up a smile to acknowledge me before you start rattling off your order at me? Not that I care about your life, but it’s common courtesy.

12. Do not eat your food while I’m still ringing you out. Would you drop your trousers at Victoria’s Secret after buying new underpants? No. So why force me to watch you orally violate your food and dodge spewed crumbs while you ask for the total?

13.  Do not order while talking on your cellphone. It is so rude and says to me that I’m not worth your time, which in return says to me you actually want decaf.

14. Do not order 100 items through the drive-thru. It holds everyone up and stresses me out. It’s a drive-thru. It’s quick and easy. It is not your personal delivery service where you can feel free to order 25 coffees at your whim and let the four people behind you sit and wait. Just get out of the car. I will even help you carry your order outside.

15. Do not yell at me.  I wake up at 4am and deal with the public all day in a very fast paced environment. If I mess up your coffee I swear it was probably not intentional and your yelling at me will not make me go faster.

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