That end of semester piss and moan post.

Eh.

It’s finals week and like every other student since the beginning of time I’m up to my ears in papers and regret because of all the procrastinating I did.

I’m also feeling unbelievably unsuccessful.
I don’t know if that’s a normal feeling for a six year undergraduate, or if it’s related to that ugly disease “depression”, but I really do not feel like I’ve done anything of worth.

I feel like everything I write is absolute shit and that this stupidly expensive adventure called college will never end, and that almost everyone around me is wasting my time and I’m wasting my own time because I can’t find a purpose or people who value me and won’t bring me down or leave me behind or betray me.

I know I’ve made amazing strides since last year, I’m definitely not an alcoholic any more, I’m better with money, I have a new job, I’m blogging semi-regularly, I’ve sent my book out to several agents (*fingers crossed*) and in many ways getting my shit together, but I just don’t see it as enough.

Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s moving home.
I have no idea, but I hope it passes.

I’m not sure that there’s a point to this post, except to maybe reach out and see if anyone else ever feels this way and get some advice on what they do to cope.

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One thought on “That end of semester piss and moan post.

  1. Dear Alli,

    I feel you, with every inch of my being, I feel you.

    I just completed my fifth year as an undergraduate working on my English degree at URI while working full time as the content writer for a supplement company. At the rate that I am able to take classes, I still have 2-3 years to go. It is forever frustrating to see less intelligent people within the major graduating on time simply because they came from a wealthier family than mine and did not have to work their way through college. This past weekend, I watched my baby brother graduate college. I felt so incredibly proud, yet heartbreakingly bitter at the same time. I feel that as far as I have come, I still have so far left to go.

    Work and school feel… completely consuming? Never ending, to say the least. Being forced to focus on writing that doesn't particularly peak my interest is draining. It sucks the joy out of this passion that we share. I think it is a good thing that you question your talent as far as writing goes. Good writers are confident in their work, great writers question themselves constantly. If it makes you feel better, I think everything I write is absolute shit, too.

    I’m constantly experiencing this sort of existential crisis as I’ve realized that every single human, including myself, is replaceable. What am I doing here and what the fuck is the point? Why, specifically, do I matter? Why do I put time and effort into people and place and things that won’t matter a year from now. I think we drive ourselves crazy asking these types of questions.

    Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

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