#Depressionlies

I’ve been really happy for about a month and I think that’s what makes this cloudiness feel like a defeat.

It’s really cruel because sometimes you actually are happy long enough to think you’re normal. Then slowly you start to fade. It’s not hyperbole to say it feels like dying.

Depression is hard to explain. I notice it most when I’m with other people. I just feel like there’s a wall. I don’t understand them and I don’t understand me and I just want to be anywhere, but where I am in that moment.

Depression is so insidious and I hate it. I can logically think about all the reasons to be content or happy, but I want to cry. There’s no logical reason. I really just want to lay down in the middle of a quiet road somewhere. A winding road with no lines that runs through the forest and I want to be cold and just lay there and cry.

The worst part about a depressed sadness is it’s not like other kinds of sadness. It’s a numbing sadness that makes you feel hollow. It makes you feel heavy. You become a lead shell. It’s so paradoxical because you’re so heavy and you feel so unhappily aware of your existence. Yet at the same time you’re empty and you desperately wish that your physical heaviness would feel as numb and empty as your heart.

I don’t really have a point to this post except for my sanity.

 It’s a reminder to myself and anyone else that emotions are not always trustworthy. That we have reasons to be alive. That all things pass.
Chin up.

I love this cover.

Inspiration

I want to give a shout out to a few people or things that inspire me daily. To some of these my shout out is the Internet equivalent of an ant screaming at an eagle atop a redwood, but it’s the thought that counts. Also these are in no order.

www.thebloggess.com is probably one of my biggest influences in the world of writing and staying alive in general. If you don’t read her work you should and you can totally borrow my copy of her biography if you swear to return it.

http://www.lifelessbullshit.com/ has evolved so much over the years and following her growth as a person has been absolutely amazing. I started reading her blog when it was the monologue of a liquor loving, adventurous lady who was jut figuring shit out and I got to watch this blog morph into a platform for clean, positive living.

http://sisterwivesspeak.com/ is one of my newest reads and a really great inspirational blog for anyone who has lived through anything. On their submission page they word it as a, “quest to share the Big Uglies and turn them into Big Helps”.

rubbershoesinhell.com a blog I read in binges. Her writing is so relatable to anyone who’s ever felt a bit misplaced. Please read her post on PTO moms that left me in stitches and also gave me a great appreciation for my own mother. Also also she answers my tweets and has even read my blog (The honor actually made me blush) and in general makes me feel like a real blogger. In addition to being a great writer she’s also cool as hell!

www.chrismongeauphoto.com Ok this one is a bit self serving but also seriously honest. No one inspires me more than the man behind this art. He occasionally writes some things, always quoting Jack Kerouac and has some of the coolest photos from around the world. *shameless self promotion here* please check out his, “yard Sale” tab on his website for more information about buying copies of his work.

www.ecosalon.com is my go to read for information about eco fashion, eco decorating, eco everything. They have the best vegan recipes and they were talking about tiny homes 4 years ago before the concept was a trend, so they are on point with all things environmentally friendly.

http://the-coveted.com/ I am a bit in love with this woman. I followed her when she was first living in San Francisco and then I remember being so excited when she moved to NYC where I was living at the time. Unfortunately, I moved home a few years later she moved back to San Fran and had a baby. I’m not stalking her I swear. She is an amazing stylist and was one of the inspirations behind me starting to blog. (fun fact, my first blog was a shit attempt at a fashion blog and if you google hard enough you can find it and just experience a laugh at my expense)

http://whatiwore.tumblr.com/ Another fashion blog. I really love her Ted Talk about how what you wear can inspire how you feel. I’ve included it below for you.

If you have any great blogs I should be reading please share! ❤

My English Teacher would title this some coming of age bull

I’m not a very sentimental person and I’ve been described as “cold” so frequently I have seriously debated putting it on my resume.

I don’t get nostalgic often, but yesterday I was going through some old files on my computer when I found some really insane iPhotobooth images of me and some friends from my old apartment.

I am really happy with my life right now, but it really is unfortunate when people grow apart. That’s not something I acknowledge very often.

I’ve heard that college years (age 18-24) are when you make “forever” friends, but I have a hard time buying into that. Somewhere between 18-24 and 28-30 you really lose a lot of people. Someone has a baby, someone stops drinking, someone dies, someone gets into grad school, someone drinks too much, someone gets a promotion, someone moves away, someone gets married,  it’s never ending those life milestones that drive wedges in relationships by forcing people to change.

I’m really lucky. I have a great job, I’m in school, I live with someone I love, I have new, amazing and inspiring friends, but every once in a while I really miss the gritty old days of my life.

It’s not necessarily the bad choices and unhealthy habits I miss, but more the deep bond of sisterhood that I had during that time. Sisterhood forged on drunk nights in clouds of cigarette smoke where we promised to get into it all and get through it all. I felt untouchable. (probably why I did so much dumb shit) The constant excitement of not having a serious job, not being serious about school and always being able to solve my issues by either getting wasted with my best friends or hitting up my father for money was great, but it wasn’t a sustainable reality.

I had an unplanned pregnancy, a suicide attempt and I fell in love with someone I wanted to be with no matter how much work it was. I changed, a lot.

Things in my life became too real. There’s this idea bad things don’t happen to pretty, white girls and when that illusion was shattered for me, I wanted my life to be different. I wanted to accomplish something and travel and generally do things I wasn’t able to because I was always neck deep in drama or recovering from the verge of alcohol poisoning.

It sucks because I didn’t have time to keep up with the people I use to be bonded to. I didn’t party anymore, I was busy with work and school and honestly didn’t have the time or the capacity for the lifestyle I use to share. I couldn’t keep up.

In layman’s terms, I neglected my friendships because I felt I couldn’t relate to them anymore. I felt I couldn’t be apart of their world and the new one I was creating for myself.

It’s such a hard situation to define. People grow apart, decide they want different things. I guess I am envious of those who can keep long term friendships through out so much change. I miss the people I use to be close with every single day. I miss feeling like I had forever friends. I miss not being “adult” and working 40 hours a week, while trying to work on my writing, trying to finish school and maintain a relationship. I miss feeling wild and free and doing insanely dumb things.

I miss how we all were. I know that I’m different now, and my old friends have definitely changed too. Who knows if we’re even compatible or have anything in common, but I really miss the days when we did.

Happy Belated Halloween

Thursday night I attended this awesome macabre fashion show at a local bar. I’m an idiot and I didn’t share this sooner and I’m sorry you weren’t all there with me.

My friend Nikki (please check out her work here) took me to this event and I am so happy she did.

Personally, the two first runway shows gave me a feminist crisis, but I’ll talk about that in a later post.

I don’t have any photos because I didn’t think to take them, but Christina of Skull and Glossbones (who is the genius behind the entire exhibit) ended the show with her own fashion/makeup take on Alice in Wonderland. It was part fashion show, part silent play and wholly amazing. She does a lot of really cool work with makeup, is a freelance model and overall really talented artist. I highly advise checking her work out too.

There were a few other artists whose work was on display, but my favorite was Karen Jerzyk and you can check out her work here.

Clearing some things up

Clearing some things up:

I don’t usually “clear up” what I mean in my writing, but yesterday’s post is so sensitive that I think I owe the subject matter a bit more delicacy.

I in no way meant to convey that old men taking advantage of young girls is ok. It’s fucking not.

I merely meant to posit, that the situation is not always as simple as innocent girl, bad man. This is not to say her actions justified theirs because they don’t, but the flip side to that argument is their response to her actions does not justify her engaging the relationship either. I think it sells her short, even at 15, to assume she had no idea of the ramifications of her actions. It wasn’t rape. It was an electronic relationship.

I think people are quick to blanket judgement and I was merely stating that I think it is unfair to do so.

from Tumblr http://ift.tt/1rJZjFi

via IFTTT

Clearing some things up

I don’t usually “clear up” what I mean in my writing, but yesterday’s post is so sensitive that I think I owe the subject matter a bit more delicacy.

I in no way meant to convey that old men taking advantage of young girls is ok. It’s fucking not.

I merely meant to posit, that the situation is not always as simple as innocent girl, bad man. This is not to say her actions justified theirs because they don’t, but the flip side to that argument is their response to her actions does not justify her engaging the relationship either. I think it sells her short, even at 15, to assume she had no idea of the ramifications of her actions. It wasn’t rape. It was an electronic relationship.

I think people are quick to blanket judgement and I was merely stating that I think it is unfair to do so.