I’m not a very sentimental person and I’ve been described as “cold” so frequently I have seriously debated putting it on my resume.
I don’t get nostalgic often, but yesterday I was going through some old files on my computer when I found some really insane iPhotobooth images of me and some friends from my old apartment.
I am really happy with my life right now, but it really is unfortunate when people grow apart. That’s not something I acknowledge very often.
I’ve heard that college years (age 18-24) are when you make “forever” friends, but I have a hard time buying into that. Somewhere between 18-24 and 28-30 you really lose a lot of people. Someone has a baby, someone stops drinking, someone dies, someone gets into grad school, someone drinks too much, someone gets a promotion, someone moves away, someone gets married, it’s never ending those life milestones that drive wedges in relationships by forcing people to change.
I’m really lucky. I have a great job, I’m in school, I live with someone I love, I have new, amazing and inspiring friends, but every once in a while I really miss the gritty old days of my life.
It’s not necessarily the bad choices and unhealthy habits I miss, but more the deep bond of sisterhood that I had during that time. Sisterhood forged on drunk nights in clouds of cigarette smoke where we promised to get into it all and get through it all. I felt untouchable. (
probably why I did so much dumb shit) The constant excitement of not having a serious job, not being serious about school and always being able to solve my issues by either getting wasted with my best friends or hitting up my father for money was great, but it wasn’t a sustainable reality.
I had an unplanned pregnancy, a suicide attempt and I fell in love with someone I wanted to be with no matter how much work it was. I changed, a lot.
Things in my life became too real. There’s this idea bad things don’t happen to pretty, white girls and when that illusion was shattered for me, I wanted my life to be different. I wanted to accomplish something and travel and generally do things I wasn’t able to because I was always neck deep in drama or recovering from the verge of alcohol poisoning.
It sucks because I didn’t have time to keep up with the people I use to be bonded to. I didn’t party anymore, I was busy with work and school and honestly didn’t have the time or the capacity for the lifestyle I use to share. I couldn’t keep up.
In layman’s terms, I neglected my friendships because I felt I couldn’t relate to them anymore. I felt I couldn’t be apart of their world and the new one I was creating for myself.
It’s such a hard situation to define. People grow apart, decide they want different things. I guess I am envious of those who can keep long term friendships through out so much change. I miss the people I use to be close with every single day. I miss feeling like I had forever friends. I miss not being “adult” and working 40 hours a week, while trying to work on my writing, trying to finish school and maintain a relationship. I miss feeling wild and free and doing insanely dumb things.
I miss how we all were. I know that I’m different now, and my old friends have definitely changed too. Who knows if we’re even compatible or have anything in common, but I really miss the days when we did.