I’ve been really happy for about a month and I think that’s what makes this cloudiness feel like a defeat.
It’s really cruel because sometimes you actually are happy long enough to think you’re normal. Then slowly you start to fade. It’s not hyperbole to say it feels like dying.
Depression is hard to explain. I notice it most when I’m with other people. I just feel like there’s a wall. I don’t understand them and I don’t understand me and I just want to be anywhere, but where I am in that moment.
Depression is so insidious and I hate it. I can logically think about all the reasons to be content or happy, but I want to cry. There’s no logical reason. I really just want to lay down in the middle of a quiet road somewhere. A winding road with no lines that runs through the forest and I want to be cold and just lay there and cry.
The worst part about a depressed sadness is it’s not like other kinds of sadness. It’s a numbing sadness that makes you feel hollow. It makes you feel heavy. You become a lead shell. It’s so paradoxical because you’re so heavy and you feel so unhappily aware of your existence. Yet at the same time you’re empty and you desperately wish that your physical heaviness would feel as numb and empty as your heart.
I don’t really have a point to this post except for my sanity.
It’s a reminder to myself and anyone else that emotions are not always trustworthy. That we have reasons to be alive. That all things pass.