For years now, I’ve been writing reflections around the New Year around what happened the past 365 days, and where I hope to go in the future. Some years I set goals, some I don’t, sometimes I don’t even share the posts.
Below is my post from 2017, you can find the original post on Instagram, as well as my reflections on what I achieved goal wise.
2017: I don’t talk about it a lot, but I have always struggled with depression, anxiety, and imposter syndrome. I have suicide attempts in my past, sometimes the thought of leaving my house makes my throat close & my heart rate go so high that my Fitbit registers it as a cardio workout (I’m not joking), & I have a hard time seeing myself or anything I create as legitimate or worthy. I actually left a job this year in part because I could not handle the stress of producing work I considered subpar for someone I admired so much. I hate discussing this because I hate being called crazy. I fear that someone would erroneously link this illness with other sound choices I’ve made. Anyway, my point is that 2017 has been really tough for me. I’ve chosen to disengage for the past months, just to be able to keep my head above water. It has been the year of risks that didn’t pay off & I think the hardest part of this year was that it came on the tail of a terrible year. I’m sharing all of this because one of the only things that kept me moving along were the people who shouted into the void openly saying they were struggling too and knowing I wasn’t alone. If I can do the same for someone, I think that’s worthwhile. I am not ending this year on a high note. But I’m trying not to end on a low note either. I have goals for the year ahead, and I’m holding out hope that 2018 will be a little brighter, for all of us.
2017 was really hard for me, but I was determined to kick off 2018 in pursuit of a better existence.
1. Give myself the freedom to be a complicated human. I am still working on this. I struggle still with the balance between who I am (a little rough, a little salty, a little bit of a toilet tongue) and who I have to be to be seen as a functional adult. I strongly dislike that there has to be a disconnect on my two sides. I hate the elitist idea of “professionalism” and I hate that the two sides can’t be at the least, on nodding terms with one another (to paraphrase Didion there). Anyway, I have no answers, but I have been trying to find a happy medium and I’ll let you know when I find it.
2. Be kinder. I think yoga has helped a lot with this. I would say it’s a forever work in progress.
3. Run more. I ran a half marathon this past year so achievement met!
4. Climb Mt. Washington in the snow. I did not get enough hiking in, but add that to 2019!
5. See a new country. Kind of, I explored a part of Canada I’ve never been to and in Feb I’m headed to Norway. Hopefully I’ll hit Italy in 2019 too!
6. Be more radically body positive towards myself. I will never say this goal is done, but I’ve done a lot of work to really let go of some toxic practices I held toward myself. Yoga has been a huge part of that for me. And I can’t thank the staff at PPY enough for creating such a healing and empowering environment.
7. Understand my depression & anxiety better. I’ve really embraced the fact I’m sound sensitive. I won’t get into why the sound of loud footsteps or late night banging gives me panic attacks, but I’ve come to some really good realizations about my personal triggers and how to work around them.
8. Progress my career. Kind of: I got out of a not so great role in Feb and while I wouldn’t say I’m in my dream job, I’m stable. 2019 I’m going to be looking to make some dreams happen in my career. I also started allisonpalombo.com to highlight all the actual profesh work I do (literally the antithesis of this site). I’m also in Yoga Teacher 200hr training so who knows where that will lead.
9. Publish some writing. I did not achieve this one yet. Another 2019 carryover!
10. Check back in with my blog. I’m here now, so I count this.
11. Start my newsletter again. Eh, I’ve held off on this for a few reasons. It’s in my mind to be a priority for 2019.
12. Get back involved with the nnaf board. I haven’t gotten back with them, as much as I’ve been back in the space via my internship with Planned Parenthood.
13. Continue to do work at the intersection of love and understanding. See the above achievement.
14. Stand up louder for my beliefs. Um, I think I’m going to recall this goal. The past year I spent interning with Planned Parenthood, supporting local AntiFa, watching my rights disintegrate around me, watching those around me who stand up be harassed; and frankly I don’t know if loud is the right way for me. It is fucking exhausting to take all the above in on a daily, unending news cycle. I will be reevaluating how I stand up and support various causes because I am just not sure I’ve been doing it the best way.
15. Come out to some family about my abortion. All done in July and they still appear to love me….so far!
16. Be radically transparent. I am doing what I can within reason. I think a lot about social media, not just the risks, but the toll of the medium. I think for me transparency is more about honesty and to that I feel I’ve been true. As for social media, I think I need to migrate back to my true space, this blog, and ditch the picture world. It’s just too much at once and I’m sure I’ll write more about this later, but I really am bogged down by the day to day of it.
17. Nix some debt. I paid off over 3K in debt this past year.
18. Journal more. Not accomplished, but I bought a really nice one for the new year so we will see what happens in 2019.
19. Eat more vegetables. Oh, so achieved! Plans to eat EVEN MORE in 2019.
20. Accomplish at least one goal. YES.
21. Be happy. I mean, yeah. Fundamentally, I am happy and I am DEF way happier than I was in 2017 so win win.
Here’s to a brighter future.