Burnt since Birth

If you haven’t read the article on Burnout by Buzzfeed, check it out here: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

I saw this come through TheSkimm morning news, I think(?) and I thought it was an article on how Millennials smoke too much weed or something.

I started to read and still I thought ok, so we’re burnouts because we don’t like the Post Office? I’m not saying that’s wrong, but not sure I get it.

It took me about 5 paragraphs in, to really get that no, I’m not a burnout because I never take care of my “adulting” details, but that I don’t do those things because I am FUCKING BURNT OUT.

Here’s the weird part…. I had no idea I was burnt out, which is the brilliance of this article.

I had not a sliver of an idea that I am seriously operating and living in a state of consistent burnout.

I thought, no. They’ve got this wrong, I’ve been burntout before.

As a high school freshman, I was in theater, and playing soccer, and involved with church and choir and band, and the day I quit the HS soccer team in tears was the biggest relief, but also the biggest guilt trip.  I remember crying as I turned in my uniform and one of my favorite teachers pulled me aside to give me a quick analogy how life is like a plate of Chinese takeout; you may order a lot of boxes, but your plate is only going to fit so much food at once.

A well meaning tip, but what he should have told me is that your plate should only hold as much food as you can eat comfortably and it is ok if that plate doesn’t look full at all times. Because as HS progressed (through the pressure of a mother, who’s dream was for me to get a degree and I am the first woman on my mom’s matrilineal side of the family to earn a 4 year degree) I loaded more and more onto my plate. I was in Model Legislature, I took AP classes I had no business in (Hi, Economics!) and AP classes I couldn’t enjoy (Hi, English!) because I was also in Marching Band, Concert Band, Jazz Band, Funk Band, Choir, Acapella Group, Women’s Group, Church Youth Group, Church Choir and Drama Club.  By the end of my senior year (never mind the hell scape that was my broken home life, which I worked tirelessly to hide) I was skipping school, failing most of my classes, in danger of not graduating and suicidal.  I didn’t get the help I needed until my guidance counselor, my HS principle and AP English teacher witnessed me have a breakdown in front office. And by help I needed, I mean I saw a therapist, took two days to relax and went back at it.

Now THAT is burnout and I’ve been functioning quite well since then, thank you very much.

Except, maybe I haven’t. Maybe I’ve learned my absolute limits, but I am still an efficiency obsessed workaholic who takes on too much and feels deep guilt about relaxing or saying no. I mean sure, I haven’t gone postal on anyone, but my teeth are ground completely flat from gnashing them compulsively.

I do yoga because it counts as a workout and selfcare (two birds one stone!). I get mad about staying late at work not because I want to go home and relax, but because I want to go home and do work I care about. I don’t just watch TV, I have to knit because I need to create something or I feel useless. I literally typed an email today saying that the reason I will never be a party person ever again is because, and I quote myself here, “I cannot justify that kind of fun without a payoff”. I didn’t really elaborated, but now I get it. Those kind of things, adulting and even just mundane fun, are just not high on my priority list because I am under a constant (albeit I am told it is not real) pressure to Do Something That Matters.

Apparently, deep down in my psyche I have a hard time justifying seeing friends because I need to be DOING things that is worthwhile and profitable. So, kudos to my few friends; ya’ll have passed my absurd qualifications of enriching my life in a way I deem profitable.

I’m kind of joking, but just kind of. Until I read the term Errand Avoidance, I did not even recognize the behavior was indicative of anything other than a place I was failing as an adult.  I’m not avoiding people or things when I don’t answer my emails or texts or call you back, I am literally just wrapping my head around the things that need to be done urgently and the things that can wait. Unfortunately, it appears the things that can wait just get slid down to the bottom of my to do list and off into never-happening-land.

I mean, even my self care is prioritized as something I have to do. If, for no other reason than to avoid going fully postal. So yes, if you even had to ask, my face mask does trump mailing your book back because while I’ve had your novel in a box ready to ship for about a year, if I don’t put this facemask on and breath for 5 minutes I’m going to lay down in traffic.

I want to say that the article changed me. That I read it and did a 180 in my life; quit my job, became a monk and lived deliberately all of my remaining days.

But as I wrote this post I literally took a call committing to another project. I hope, as it is the hope of all Burnout Millennials, that I’ll achieve something to make me feel like I deserve to relax and have friendship more than just each time I have a small breakdown or a bought of anxiety inducing guilt.

But I’ll have to think about that later.






2019 Goals!

I like to take a minute at the end of December to reflect back on the past 12 months. So without further ado, 2018:

I started the year determined to change my life. I started a new job on February 14th, began training for a half marathon on Feb 9th and ran it 3 months later! I started an internship with Planned Parenthood. I went to Power of Pink in Detroit, Road Tripped across Nova Scotia, began yoga teaching 200hr certification, allowed myself to let go of some people who did not serve the life I wanted to live and I took my last drink in March. The year was fast, but good and I can only hope 2019 brings good things for all of us.

My 2019 Goals, in no ranked order:

  1. Stop posting negative things on the internet without a solution. We all know human rights are ignored on a daily basis, that nazi’s are creeping out of the shadows, that the environment is going to hell in a handbag; there is no shortage of bad news. But there’s a noticeable shortage of solutions. So if I have bad news to share, my goal is to only share it if I can offer a way I can help.
  2. See a therapist. At least 2x.
  3. Finish yoga certification.
  4. Finish up my internship.
  5. Shift to my yoga Instagram, and off my personal account.
  6. Keep up my personal yoga practice.
  7. Teach at least 1 full yoga class.
  8. Submit some writing for publication.
  9. Run more (maybe a marathon in the fall? maybe not?).
  10. Be softer and allow myself to really feel emotions.
  11. Travel.
  12. Be a better friend.
  13. Host a craft night.
  14. Crochet a full blanket.
  15. Use my planner more.
  16. Let go of “stuff” and people I don’t need.
  17. Find 1 thing everyday that I can find genuine joy in.
  18. Read more!
  19. Watch less television.
  20. Cancel my cable subscription.
  21. Be kinder.
  22. Be more present, focus on only 1 thing.
  23. Meditate!
  24. Wake up earlier, even if it’s only to enjoy coffee in bed!
  25. Answer my personal emails and texts in under a day.
  26. Find a job that brings me joy.
  27. Go vegan for at least a full month.
  28. Add to this list as the year progresses.
  29. Say NO more often.
  30. Put my energy towards those who value me.
  31. Respect that my time and energy are finite.
  32. Ride a horse! (maybe join a barn?)
  33. Start a yoga scholarship
  34. Focus my 2019 financial giving around restitution.
  35. Be a little more adventurous and spontaneous.
  36. See family more.
  37. Pay off some debt!
  38. Pad my savings/HSA
  39. Make the last two goals SMART goals and track their progress.
  40. Lead change by example, rather than being loud.  Action over words.


Here’s to a wonderful 2019.


For years now, I’ve been writing reflections around the New Year around what happened the past 365 days, and where I hope to go in the future.  Some years I set goals, some I don’t, sometimes I don’t even share the posts.

Below is my post from 2017, you can find the original post on Instagram, as well as my reflections on what I achieved goal wise.

2017: I don’t talk about it a lot, but I have always struggled with depression, anxiety, and imposter syndrome. I have suicide attempts in my past, sometimes the thought of leaving my house makes my throat close & my heart rate go so high that my Fitbit registers it as a cardio workout (I’m not joking), & I have a hard time seeing myself or anything I create as legitimate or worthy. I actually left a job this year in part because I could not handle the stress of producing work I considered subpar for someone I admired so much. I hate discussing this because I hate being called crazy. I fear that someone would erroneously link this illness with other sound choices I’ve made. Anyway, my point is that 2017 has been really tough for me. I’ve chosen to disengage for the past months, just to be able to keep my head above water. It has been the year of risks that didn’t pay off & I think the hardest part of this year was that it came on the tail of a terrible year. I’m sharing all of this because one of the only things that kept me moving along were the people who shouted into the void openly saying they were struggling too and knowing I wasn’t alone. If I can do the same for someone, I think that’s worthwhile. I am not ending this year on a high note. But I’m trying not to end on a low note either. I have goals for the year ahead, and I’m holding out hope that 2018 will be a little brighter, for all of us. 

2017 was really hard for me, but I was determined to kick off 2018 in pursuit of a better existence.

1. Give myself the freedom to be a complicated human. I am still working on this.  I struggle still with the balance between who I am (a little rough, a little salty, a little bit of a toilet tongue) and who I have to be to be seen as a functional adult.  I strongly dislike that there has to be a disconnect on my two sides. I hate the elitist idea of “professionalism” and I hate that the two sides can’t be at the least, on nodding terms with one another (to paraphrase Didion there). Anyway, I have no answers, but I have been trying to find a happy medium and I’ll let you know when I find it.

2. Be kinder. I think yoga has helped a lot with this.  I would say it’s a forever work in progress.

3. Run more. I ran a half marathon this past year so achievement met!

4. Climb Mt. Washington in the snow. I did not get enough hiking in, but add that to 2019!

5. See a new country. Kind of, I explored a part of Canada I’ve never been to and in Feb I’m headed to Norway. Hopefully I’ll hit Italy in 2019 too!

6. Be more radically body positive towards myself. I will never say this goal is done, but I’ve done a lot of work to really let go of some toxic practices I held toward myself.  Yoga has been a huge part of that for me. And I can’t thank the staff at PPY  enough for creating such a healing and empowering environment.

7. Understand my depression & anxiety better. I’ve really embraced the fact I’m sound sensitive. I won’t get into why the sound of loud footsteps or late night banging gives me panic attacks, but I’ve come to some really good realizations about my personal triggers and how to work around them.

8. Progress my career. Kind of: I got out of a not so great role in Feb and while I wouldn’t say I’m in my dream job, I’m stable.  2019 I’m going to be looking to make some dreams happen in my career. I also started allisonpalombo.com to highlight all the actual profesh work I do (literally the antithesis of this site). I’m also in Yoga Teacher 200hr training so who knows where that will lead.

9. Publish some writing. I did not achieve this one yet.  Another 2019 carryover!

10. Check back in with my blog. I’m here now, so I count this.

11. Start my newsletter again. Eh, I’ve held off on this for a few reasons.  It’s in my mind to be a priority for 2019.

12. Get back involved with the nnaf board. I haven’t gotten back with them, as much as I’ve been back in the space via my internship with Planned Parenthood.

13. Continue to do work at the intersection of love and understanding. See the above achievement.

14. Stand up louder for my beliefs. Um, I think I’m going to recall this goal.  The past year I spent interning with Planned Parenthood, supporting local AntiFa, watching my rights disintegrate around me, watching those around me who stand up be harassed; and frankly I don’t know if loud is the right way for me. It is fucking exhausting to take all the above in on a daily, unending news cycle. I will be reevaluating how I stand up and support various causes because I am just not sure I’ve been doing it the best way.

15. Come out to some family about my abortion.  All done in July and they still appear to love me….so far!

16. Be radically transparent. I am doing what I can within reason.  I think a lot about social media, not just the risks, but the toll of the medium. I think for me transparency is more about honesty and to that I feel I’ve been true. As for social media, I think I need to migrate back to my true space, this blog, and ditch the picture world. It’s just too much at once and I’m sure I’ll write more about this later, but I really am bogged down by the day to day of it. 

17. Nix some debt. I paid off over 3K in debt this past year.

18. Journal more. Not accomplished, but I bought a really nice one for the new year so we will see what happens in 2019.

19. Eat more vegetables. Oh, so achieved! Plans to eat EVEN MORE in 2019.

20. Accomplish at least one goal. YES.

21. Be happy. I mean, yeah. Fundamentally, I am happy and I am DEF way happier than I was in 2017 so win win.

Here’s to a brighter future.

On Grandmothers.

If you follow me on Facebook you’ll see that I have recently stopped bullshitting my family regarding my stance on reproductive healthcare. That’s not to say that I lied to them, I more just shielded them. I don’t know if that’s better or worse, but I’m not here for a moral argument currently.

What I am here to say is that this action was actually inspired by my grandmothers in two separate occasions.


Granny: Catholic, paternal side, republican.

I think I get a lot of my political spitfire from her.  With that said, she was never the overbearing, judgmental, catholic stereotype. She never pushed her views on me, always encouraged a healthy and courteous debate, and lives by the idea of ‘free to disagree’. I knew faith was important to her, it’s important to most people in my family, but I don’t think I realized how deep her dedication to Christ was until recent years.

When I was 13(ish) I became disenchanted with christianity and sought my spiritual nourishment in Wicca.  For my 13th birthday Granny took me to Barnes and Noble likely anticipating buying me a new fantasy novel, and instead found herself combing through the New Age section as I browsed magick books.  Given my mother’s ~ e a r t h y ~ views, I’m sure this didn’t totally surprise her, but I can’t imagine she was thrilled.  It is possible she was clinging to the idea of “there’s one in every family” or that I would grow out of it. Regardless, she took the giant (and expensive, I might add!) book of spells up to the counter and bought it for me.

When she dropped me off later that day she told me loved me and reminded me that she prayed for me and all her grandkids every night! She taught me tolerance and more than that, she illustrated mastery of one of the most difficult concepts in many religions; unconditional love.

I’ve been know for my fiery online exchanges (and IRL arguments) with people who do not share my views. And while I still hold an unapologetically hard stance on social justice issues, and I do NOT always believe peace is the answer. However, specifically with my family, I have found that through love I’ve been able to find understanding and peace where our ideas sit on opposite aisles.


Gramma: Protestant, maternal side, Republican.

Aside from my height, I also like to attribute my love of fashion and books to her.  Some of my earliest political memories are hearing about her local political activities.  She has strong views, but we always managed to find a middle ground in our conversations.

After my abortion in 2013 I posted an article on an old blog that was widely read in my friend group. Someone posted it to Facebook and it made its way to my grandmother.  In that post I expressed how lonely I felt through the process, not just because I felt unsupported but also because I did not feel bad about my choice and that felt alienating, even among those who did support me.  A sibling told me that she read it and gave me the heads up so that I could take the mature route and dodge her calls for 3 weeks until being called out on my avoidance.

When I finally picked up the phone, I was prepared for the haranguing of my life. I expected a lecture on how I had either broken her heart and disappointed her or for her to tell me that I was trash. I said hello, cleared by throat, ready to defend myself when I heard her sob that she felt bad because I felt that I couldn’t be open with her. She went on to assure me that she loved me, no matter what, and would always be there for me regardless of what she thought of my choices (something I am sure I challenge everyday!). Again, I was shown unconditional love where I did not think it possible to exist.


The vocal politics of these two matriarchs has always been a powerful influence on my own political activism.

And it with pride that I attribute my recent choice to be more open about my politics and my experiences to them and their unconditional love.

I don’t have a real closing for this post, so before I get too preachy let’s all raise a glass to my not being disowned…..yet.

Until next time.




For a $25 annual fee you can support NNAF and the local chapter of your choice! You also get a sweet t-shirt!

It’s an awesome way to show your support for an amazing cause. Do your part and show up.

You can rest assured that when mine comes in the mail I’ll be posting all the photos and I hope you will too!

Until next time ❤

Showing Up for Abortion Access

This past weekend was Rhode Island’s Bowl-a-thon to raise funds for the National Network of Abortion Funds.  


This is actually 2016’s shirt, but I thought it was cool

The RI bowl-a-thon benefitted the RI NNAF’s local chapter in RI, the Women’s Health and Education Fund (WHEF).


The 2017 bowl-a-thon shirt 

I didn’t bowl, but I did help stuff tote bags and sell t-shirts (which you can still buy here!) We raised over $25,000 for abortion funds in RI, so that’s pretty awesome!


People bidding on the silent auction

What’s even cooler is that NNAF has extended the bowl-a-thon another week! This means you can still make donations online HERE!


Not a bad turn out for a Sunday afternoon!

The work that the National Network of Abortion Funds does is unbelievably important. When a person can’t meet the cost of an abortion NNAF, and their affiliate partners, work with the clinic to cover the rest of the cost.

A women’s right to choose is important and the ability to afford the care is imperative. Do your part and show up.


Peace, love and safe/legal abortion ❤


Until Next Time ❤

New Things Happening!

I feel like 2016 was the year of the re-branding crisis for me (and the entire USA really).

Anyway, new, cool things in the works including a few collaborations with people I admire, some revamps on the website (got a shiny new About Me page) and starting next week: a newsletter!

Yes, I said a newsletter.

No, it won’t be just recaps from this website (you can follow my FB page for that!).

Yes, it will still be super focused on reproductive rights/justice/education.

No, I won’t keep my lame jokes to a minimum.

Yes, it will be awesome and you should absolutely subscribe.

No, I won’t sell your information or whatever to anyone, not even for a really good price.

Yes, you can subscribe HERE (or on the front page of this website) and it will be awesome.


Until next time  ❤

Taxes, Tampons, and Travesty: My period’s political coming of age during the dawn of the free tampon debate.

Over the past few years my period has been getting more and more political. I guess this shouldn’t surprise me. I mean, this is America, land of the free and home of government so small it can crawl right up into your uterus. It’s possible that I had been naive, or maybe I was just been so caught up in not losing my access to safe abortion, that until recent years I completely neglected to look at the politics of my period.

For me, it all started in 2015 when I read this article by The Atlantic about why people hide tampons on the way to the bathroom. At the time, I was working for a tech start-up (read: not always a lot of ladies around, but that’s an issue for another article) and going to the bathroom with a tampon was always a 007 level secret mission. Fact: I’ve smuggled banned items through TSA with less thought than I was giving to how I would make it 25 feet to a restroom, without a single person realizing that I was menstruating. After reading that article I felt like a fool! I mean, I called myself a feminist, and yet I was essentially embarrassed to be biologically female on a monthly basis. The frustrating part was that I couldn’t even remember how I learned to hide my tampons. I grew up with a very progressive mother and I come from a large family of oversharers. Hiding things that are “taboo” or “gross” is not apart of my inherent DNA. I knew it had to have been a learned behavior. Shortly after that article, I started an open carry policy when I went to the bathroom, clutching my tampon like bayonet, ready to impale anyone who dared question me.


Shortly after I implemented my open carry policy, (a personal, mini resistance to the taboo), Thinx (the geniuses behind period panties) began to get a lot of heat for their “controversial” subway ads. I feel like I cannot even begin to address the ridiculousness that is this facet of the period debate without first saying: as someone who lived in NYC for almost two years and was a regular public transit user there, this isn’t even close to the most controversial thing I’ve seen on the subway system. As the articles and opinions rolled in on this ad campaign, I started to understand where my shame came from. Regardless of how open my family was, I didn’t live in a bubble. Growing up (especially as a girl) in a world where an advertisement openly addressing a female biological function is controversial, but using sex and the objectification of (usually) women to sell literally anything is the norm, a girl is bound to absorb some shame.  

Last year, this whole bloody controversy came to a personal climax when it hit my home state of Little Rhody.  First, through the hard work of State Sen. Louis DiPalma and Rep. Edith Ajello, my state legislature tried to pass a bill that would strike down the tampon tax in Rhode Island. Sadly, the bill stalled in committee in June of last year and again my mind was blown as to why this was even a debate. I was shocked to find out there are only 7 other states that have successfully abolished this tax. To rephrase, 86% of this country is taking tax on an item that is an absolute necessity.

To fully illustrate the non-negotiable need for tampons and other feminine hygiene products, let’s look at a very common, publically offered item: toiletpaper. If you were to forgo wiping your bottom after going to the bathroom, you would still have pants and underpants to provide sufficient barrier between your unwiped situation and the public. However, if every person who had their period sat down on the NYC subway without a hygiene product in place, we would have a biohazardous disaster on our hands. Is it possible, a reason this tax has not been addressed sooner is because it would be hard to find enough people willing to publicly bleed on a subway for fear of shame?


Finally, in September 2016, the Brown University Undergraduate Council of Students decided to offer FREE tampons in both the men’s and women’s restrooms. The country went nuts and I did what everyone says never to do; I read the comments section. The articles were all well and good, but I was less interested in how they implemented it, than I was in why no one had thought of this sooner!  I had a hunch that my learned embarrassment and people’s aversion to addressing “Old Aunt Flo” directly were two closely related issues. I feel comfortable saying that I was right in this assumption.

Screen Shot 2017-03-08 at 19.27.58

My initial take away from reading comments on various articles was: there’s a lot of confusion about what defines a necessity and what just makes people really uncomfortable. And (consequently?) there’s a lot of confusion about periods. I mean, the person asking about EPT testing!? As far as I know, pregnancy is not yet (I’m looking at you GOP) an uncontrollable function of the female body. Putting aside people who cannot follow basic principles of logic, what concerned me most were the people who genuinely did not understand what a period was for or how tampons worked.


In a way, I understand people’s fear. As humans we have a historical habit of fearing (and sometimes even demonizing) that which we do not understand. I just never thought that in the age of information, where carrying a handheld, AI equipped, mini computer in your pocket was the norm, that a bodily function (which has been happening since the dawn of the human race) would be so widely misunderstood.


So, where does this leave me and all of us bleeders, in 2017? Well, Cornell is set to start dispensing free sanitary products in some of their campus bathrooms, Chicago is running a controlled trial release of free sanitary products with the hope it will lead to widespread change at the University of Chicago and it’s only February. Overall, I’m hopeful.

Though I’m no longer afraid to walk with a tampon in hand, I still have mixed feelings about politics in my panties; a predominant one being annoyance at the necessity of it all. But, like all the people behind us know and all the people in front of us will learn, equality was not won in a day. And so, with my chin held high, I say: Tampons out everyone! We have work to do.

Happy International Women’s Day


I was going to write a post, but I figured by this time of day you have probably seen so many inspiring messages on social media that you’re saturated.

So instead, I’ll leave you with this reminder: This day/cause/fight isn’t just about white women.

May you carry that little tidbit with you, and hold it close to your heart in all your future feminist endeavors.

Until next time ❤


I realize there’s inherent problems with this coming from a male voice, but let’s just leave gender out of it, and take it as a tacky meme. ❤



This was seriously the ONLY positive feminism meme I could find that also featured a woman. And in other thoughts, the internet is a dark and terrible place….. 



Sometimes words are not enough, but I think I would remiss if I did not try to say something.


I really met Matt in 9th grade. In a school as small as ours, you kind of always knew people even if you had never really met them.  He sat behind me in English class, he would partner with me on group projects, and always wore “girl jeans” and a faded, dust colored tee that read,  “Death Cab for Cutie” (a strange phrase which I would eventually Google and consequently find my favorite band). With a round face framed by dark blond curls, I always thought he was pretty, not in a romantic way, but in the most literal and dry meaning of the word. He was quirky, and weirdly observant. I remember one day he commented on my chipped nail polish, saying that I should “really fix those” as he raised his eyebrows towards my fingers. What stuck with me about this unimportant moment, was that he said it in such a matter of fact, emotionless way. He wasn’t mocking me or being rude, just stating his opinion on something I couldn’t imagine another 9th grade boy noticing.

I can’t tell you why this meaningless moment has stayed with me for over 10 years. It’s such a pointless thing to remember. And what’s odder is that it’s really the most vivid thing I remember about Matt. Maybe it’s all I could gather mentally the first time I heard Death Cab For Cutie and the memory just ended up cemented in my brain. Matt and I crossed paths after high school a few times, but outside of alcohol hazed, chance encounters and the internet, Matt and I did not really know one another. Though, any time Chris Walla’s voice came through my speakers I would always think of him.


Before social media and the expectation of 24/7 documentation, what I do know about Matt would have constituted us being acquaintances, maybe friends by popular definition. I know where he worked, what part of town he lived in, who he lived with, who he dated, who he was friends with, what his band was up to and what he looked like. Today, you can know that about anyone, so long as you can find them online. This leaves the question: is anyone you know these things about an acquaintance or friend? Or, do these silly bits of information mean nothing and we just pretend they matter?


Death has always been baffling, life’s most certain mystery. The confusion surrounding death is amplified today in situations where you’re not able to define how well you know a person. If you can’t figure out what a person means to you, then how do you know how to feel about their death?

With social media we know people in a way that was once inherently meaningful (knowing their birthday, family, friends, etc). Now, we have the ability to know and simultaneously not know a person. Within that paradox lies an emotional grey area where emotion is prescribed to anything that would have significance in any tangible relationship. The catch here is that these online, peripheral relationships aren’t always tangible. But, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not real to at least one person. If they’re real, then they must have some meaning, right?

And so, when someone whose emotional connection to us we do not fully understand dies, where does this leave our emotions?

I’m sure some would argue in these instances that our emotions are best left in the Absurd. The way we think we know people isn’t real. And although we as humans may attach strange value to these fake connections anyway, we will ultimately find that they do not mean anything. And freedom from the confusion will come when we let ourselves be ok with that meaninglessness.

However, in my experience with death, I find that logic goes out the window even in the most clearly defined ways of grieving.  And in these stranger instances, we are left with an unexplainable emptiness where sadness wants to be, but doesn’t quite fit. To have it all be meaningless would be a relief, but that doesn’t quite fit either. That emptiness, it’s a weird sense of loss comprised of fleeting memories that might have once been relevant and it’s exacerbated by compulsively scrolling through in memoriam posts.  Ultimately, we’re left with the choice of forgetting someone we barely remember to begin with, but nonetheless feel for, or continuing to prescribe meaning to something that we can’t even be sure was ever meaningful. Both are obvious and inexplicably impossible options, and neither is of any real comfort.


I know Matt and I weren’t friends in a real sense, but he was still intangibly there on the very far periphery of my life. Does that matter? I don’t know. Maybe it was all meaningless in the grand scheme, our minimal interactions and what little I did know of him. I do know that I’ll still think of Matt any time I hear Death Cab For Cutie, his death will not change that, though if I’m being honest it will be more a reaction then a remembrance. As for whether that distinction is important, I’m not sure.


In memory of Matt Terry.

Until next time ❤